A friend of mine just told me she just finished up a run.
I immediately felt guilt and although I’ve already been to a barre class and walked the dog today, I wanted to do more.
I wanted to go for a run.
But I know that it’s impossible cause my kids are home and it’s a crazy thought. Ok, so maybe not a super crazy thought because I do love a runner’s high, those endorphins would kick in and I’d be ultra motivated for the few hours following a short s30 min run. But…why? There are only so many hours in the day and I have stuff to do. Like work. Like spend time with my kids while they are on Spring Break. Instead, I feel the urge to run and the annoyance that I can’t.
So I will type through this. Pegging the keyboard just as fast as I can to get these thoughts out. Maybe so you know what it feels like, maybe so you, too, can see you’re not alone in these “crazy,” obsessive, or guilty thoughts, or maybe just because this is my therapy.
Here’s what I know: I don’t need to run. Sure, I’d be ok if I did and I’d experience those endorphins and love every minute, but since I can’t, it’s boing to be ok. The calories that I’m not going to burn…well, who knows, but they can wait. They are much less important than working through, sitting with my own obsessions, my own insecurities, and my own issues.
I’ve typed. and now I’m going to sit. Practice learning to sit. And wait, and see what it is that I need to work though, what emotions, I’m trying to control and suppress.
I’m going to sit.
and not run.
I’m not going to move.
and it’s going to be ok.
You will be ok, too.