Category: Eating Disorders

body image, Confidence, Eating Disorders

Tonight.

smithmandyjordan

It has been over a year since I threw up last. 

But tonight the feelings came very very quickly…kinda out of no where. 

Sure it’s a bit of a weird time here in the world (thank you, Corona virus) and we just got notice that the kids are now out of school for 1 month…ONE SOLID MONTH. (Then summer is RIGHT around the corner)

But I did not think I felt out of control or unusually anxious. 

TBH, I used to binge/purge more around a week or so before the start of my cycle, and esp when my husband was out of the house for a few hours. All of these things maybe mad it the perfect storm tonight and I wanted you all to know that if this is you…it’s ok. You can get through it. Binge. Purge. Both. Neither. I trust that you can do it. I had to physically PAUSE when I realized I was about to make the decision to binge so I could easily purge. And at that moment I gave myself permission to make a decision without judgement of self. I literally thought, “if I do it, it will be ok, but if I don’t, it will be ok too. But to stay on track with recovery and be the best I can for me right now…it’s best to stop the choices that include binging to purge and I literally spit out the food. 

Y’all. That was embarrassing to type. 

I tell you because someone needs to hear it and I’m not sure who. 

If it’s you…this is my virtual nod – “You have got this. You are worth it.” 

body image, Confidence, Eating Disorders, personal development

Year 1

smithmandyjordan

1 year.

It’s been 1 year since I stopped dieting. Chronic dieting. I’ve dieted and dealt with eating disorders for 25 yrs…since I was 15…y’all…I’m 40. That’s over 1/2 my life.

oh. and I’m a dietitian.

No one…NO ONE should have to do this. No one would have to torment themselves and spend their life this way – in a mental torture chamber, but many do. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I’m still working to embrace it. And that looks like this…telling my story. Sharing my experiences. There have been many friends, much guilt, much shame, several therapists and books along the way – I’ll probably share those with you later, but for now, I want you to see today. Cause I’m celebrating…and trying to focus on that.

So, 1 year. What happened in that year?

I gained so much:

  • brain space – that used to be used fretting over calories, portion sizes, clothing size, mirror gazing, and just generalized beating myself up.
  • more time to spend with friends, family and myself – time that used to be spent counting calories, researching healthy meals, researching the latest diet trend and starting a new diet,
  • more relaxed and enjoyable social outings – y’all. I used to ache over what to order, which menu item had the least calories, which pot luck items, grab n’go items were the “healthiest” (meaning low calorie – insert eye roll here – I know)
  • more body confidence – weird right? THIS one takes work…daily work. But I know it’s worth it.
  • and I gained weight. Yep. FREEDOM weight is what I’m calling it. Coin that right now 😉

The list could likely go on and on, but for the sake of not wearing you out yet, and knowing attention spans, I’m going to stop here.

It’s been a journey…and it’s not over yet.

Today, I’ll rejoice in 1 yr.

body image, Eating Disorders

Today there is struggle

smithmandyjordan

After announcing on Jan 2nd, 2019 that my New Year’s resolution was NOT to lose weight

I feel like the real journey to self love and appreciation began.

Y’all. THIS is as far as I got with journaling my year of giving up dieting.

THIS.

THOSE 2 sentences. LOL

Well, there’s a lot to talk about and I talked mostly on my Instagram (@smithmandyjordan) so you can check it out there, but NOW…I’m coming in with an update.

body image, Confidence, Eating Disorders, Introvert

She Went for a Run

smithmandyjordan

A friend of mine just told me she just finished up a run.

I immediately felt guilt and although I’ve already been to a barre class and walked the dog today, I wanted to do more.

I wanted to go for a run.

Immediately.

runningBut I know that it’s impossible cause my kids are home and it’s a crazy thought. Ok, so maybe not a super crazy thought because I do love a runner’s high, those endorphins would kick in and I’d be ultra motivated for the few hours following a short s30 min run. But…why? There are only so many hours in the day and I have stuff to do. Like work. Like spend time with my kids while they are on Spring Break. Instead, I feel the urge to run and the annoyance that I can’t.

So I will type through this. Pegging the keyboard just as fast as I can to get these thoughts out. Maybe so you know what it feels like, maybe so you, too, can see you’re not alone in these “crazy,” obsessive, or guilty thoughts, or maybe just because this is my therapy.

Here’s what I know: I don’t need to run. Sure, I’d be ok if I did and I’d experience those endorphins and love every minute, but since I can’t, it’s boing to be ok. The calories that I’m not going to burn…well, who knows, but they can wait. They are much less important than working through, sitting with my own obsessions, my own insecurities, and my own issues.

I’ve typed. and now I’m going to sit. Practice learning to sit. And wait, and see what it is that I need to work though, what emotions, I’m trying to control and suppress.

I’m going to sit.

and not run.

I’m not going to move.

and it’s going to be ok.

You will be ok, too.