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body image, Confidence, Eating Disorders

Tonight.

smithmandyjordan

It has been over a year since I threw up last. 

But tonight the feelings came very very quickly…kinda out of no where. 

Sure it’s a bit of a weird time here in the world (thank you, Corona virus) and we just got notice that the kids are now out of school for 1 month…ONE SOLID MONTH. (Then summer is RIGHT around the corner)

But I did not think I felt out of control or unusually anxious. 

TBH, I used to binge/purge more around a week or so before the start of my cycle, and esp when my husband was out of the house for a few hours. All of these things maybe mad it the perfect storm tonight and I wanted you all to know that if this is you…it’s ok. You can get through it. Binge. Purge. Both. Neither. I trust that you can do it. I had to physically PAUSE when I realized I was about to make the decision to binge so I could easily purge. And at that moment I gave myself permission to make a decision without judgement of self. I literally thought, “if I do it, it will be ok, but if I don’t, it will be ok too. But to stay on track with recovery and be the best I can for me right now…it’s best to stop the choices that include binging to purge and I literally spit out the food. 

Y’all. That was embarrassing to type. 

I tell you because someone needs to hear it and I’m not sure who. 

If it’s you…this is my virtual nod – “You have got this. You are worth it.” 

Uncategorized

HEYYYY Babe! (I turned 41)

smithmandyjordan

Last month I said PEACE out to 40 and “HEYYY Babe!”  to 41. 

My 40 yr summary looks a little like this –

I thought I was going to do it with pleasure…40 was so freeing for me, but 41 wasn’t quite as exciting. (Oh, well) 

25 things I learned in my 40th year:

  1. Less of the drama matters
  2. Most of the drama is in your head and you have control over that. 
  3. your eye sight truly does start to weaken…I feel readers in my *near* future
  4. A gallon of water a day makes me feel whole 
  5. All diets are fad diets.
  6. If you have time to count calories, you need to re-examine your time
  7. Don’t judge yourself under the fluorescent lights in the fitting room.
  8. Your jean size really doesn’t matter to your friends.  
  9. Body acceptance is necessary before body love. But also SO hard. 
  10. Read. Daily. 
  11. Journal. Daily. (Not good at this one)
  12. Move your body daily, but take a break. 
  13. It’s ok to be a homebody. 
  14. It’s ok to please yourself and not others. 
  15. Hangovers are so NOT fun and drinking too much isn’t as fun either. 
  16. Set boundaries. You owe yourself that love. 
  17. Finding your passion may be hard but it’s worth the fight
  18. Naps are great but 7-8 hrs of sleep is even better 
  19. Put the swim suit on and get in the water. Life is too short to stay covered up. Also, your kids need you to play
  20. A cup of coffee in the afternoon is magic 
  21. A cup of coffee anytime is almost just as good as a glass of wine. 
  22. About that wine…I’m not 20 anymore.
  23. Sometimes the same feelings of jealousy, feeling left out, still exist at 40 like they did at 14. 
  24. We’re all going to screw our kids up somehow, so just do the best you can.
  25. Once you get out of your comfort zone, you can easily fall back into it. Stay out, stay brave, keep doing the scary stuff that pushes you into #livingyourbestlife 
  26. BONUS: 40 is freeing. Welcome it with love.
body image, Confidence, Eating Disorders, personal development

Year 1

smithmandyjordan

1 year.

It’s been 1 year since I stopped dieting. Chronic dieting. I’ve dieted and dealt with eating disorders for 25 yrs…since I was 15…y’all…I’m 40. That’s over 1/2 my life.

oh. and I’m a dietitian.

No one…NO ONE should have to do this. No one would have to torment themselves and spend their life this way – in a mental torture chamber, but many do. I don’t wish it upon anyone and I’m still working to embrace it. And that looks like this…telling my story. Sharing my experiences. There have been many friends, much guilt, much shame, several therapists and books along the way – I’ll probably share those with you later, but for now, I want you to see today. Cause I’m celebrating…and trying to focus on that.

So, 1 year. What happened in that year?

I gained so much:

  • brain space – that used to be used fretting over calories, portion sizes, clothing size, mirror gazing, and just generalized beating myself up.
  • more time to spend with friends, family and myself – time that used to be spent counting calories, researching healthy meals, researching the latest diet trend and starting a new diet,
  • more relaxed and enjoyable social outings – y’all. I used to ache over what to order, which menu item had the least calories, which pot luck items, grab n’go items were the “healthiest” (meaning low calorie – insert eye roll here – I know)
  • more body confidence – weird right? THIS one takes work…daily work. But I know it’s worth it.
  • and I gained weight. Yep. FREEDOM weight is what I’m calling it. Coin that right now 😉

The list could likely go on and on, but for the sake of not wearing you out yet, and knowing attention spans, I’m going to stop here.

It’s been a journey…and it’s not over yet.

Today, I’ll rejoice in 1 yr.

body image, Eating Disorders

Today there is struggle

smithmandyjordan

After announcing on Jan 2nd, 2019 that my New Year’s resolution was NOT to lose weight

I feel like the real journey to self love and appreciation began.

Y’all. THIS is as far as I got with journaling my year of giving up dieting.

THIS.

THOSE 2 sentences. LOL

Well, there’s a lot to talk about and I talked mostly on my Instagram (@smithmandyjordan) so you can check it out there, but NOW…I’m coming in with an update.

body image, Confidence, Eating Disorders, Introvert

She Went for a Run

smithmandyjordan

A friend of mine just told me she just finished up a run.

I immediately felt guilt and although I’ve already been to a barre class and walked the dog today, I wanted to do more.

I wanted to go for a run.

Immediately.

runningBut I know that it’s impossible cause my kids are home and it’s a crazy thought. Ok, so maybe not a super crazy thought because I do love a runner’s high, those endorphins would kick in and I’d be ultra motivated for the few hours following a short s30 min run. But…why? There are only so many hours in the day and I have stuff to do. Like work. Like spend time with my kids while they are on Spring Break. Instead, I feel the urge to run and the annoyance that I can’t.

So I will type through this. Pegging the keyboard just as fast as I can to get these thoughts out. Maybe so you know what it feels like, maybe so you, too, can see you’re not alone in these “crazy,” obsessive, or guilty thoughts, or maybe just because this is my therapy.

Here’s what I know: I don’t need to run. Sure, I’d be ok if I did and I’d experience those endorphins and love every minute, but since I can’t, it’s boing to be ok. The calories that I’m not going to burn…well, who knows, but they can wait. They are much less important than working through, sitting with my own obsessions, my own insecurities, and my own issues.

I’ve typed. and now I’m going to sit. Practice learning to sit. And wait, and see what it is that I need to work though, what emotions, I’m trying to control and suppress.

I’m going to sit.

and not run.

I’m not going to move.

and it’s going to be ok.

You will be ok, too.

body image, Confidence, Introvert

We are all broken

smithmandyjordan

It’s true.

I’m broken. You are broken. We, as humans, are all broken.

You may not know it yet. You may not know it about me. You may see a smile on her face, or my face, or a profile on social media that radiates pure joy, but inside, we’re all made of bits and pieces that need to be picked up and put back together.

Here’s what I know and what I want you to know.

I see you.

You’re not alone.

I’m working on picking me up, you’re working on picking you up and I thank you for being here. I thank you for cheering me on. Please know…I’m your biggest cheerleader too. I’m clapping for you.

body image, Confidence, Introvert, Networking

Who am I?

smithmandyjordan

Like I mentioned, I’ve been meaning to blog…well, for a while. First blog written, lots of drafts ready, but first (well, 2nd)…maybe who I am and what I do would give you a better indication of whether or not you want to join me all, some or none of the time here in the blogosphere.

This is me.

Mandy8

I’m Mandy.

  • a wife
  • a mom
  • a daughter
  • a sister
  • a lover and a fighter
  • shy
  • introvert who blossomed into an extroverted introvert
  • a daily exerciser
  • a Registered Dietitian
  • business owner
  • coffee lover (not a connoisseur)
  • wine lover (again, not a connoisseur)
  • Southern gal, with some midwestern influence
  • dreamer
  • procrastinator
  • self-sabotager
  • Number 6 on the Enneagram
  • worrier, worst case scenario thinker
  • changing my world one day at a timer

That’s cool and all, but what will I talk about??

As you can imagine, the easiest things for us to talk about or have thoughts about is the things we know.  I know about a few things, particularly what it takes to blossom into a less awkward, ok-I-mean-happy-with-myself kind of gal. From low self-esteem, low confidence, shy, quiet, rule following, Groundhog-my-days through life place, to the place I am now…it’s been a journey. Sometimes hard. Sometimes not. Definitely not as hard as it could be, but in my mind, worth sharing …even if it’s only with the one person out there who needs it.

But #thisisme

and there is more to come.

Confidence, Introvert

No apology needed

smithmandyjordan

I used to apologize for myself a lot.

Honestly…I still do. #workinprogress

So this is how it will start – I literally hate texting, typing with my thumbs. This blog is a small attempt to be better. It will hopefully inspire you, too, as well. I will provide content…relevant to you? Maybe? Maybe not? But thanks for coming along and no hard feelings if this is as far as you get. #loveyouanyway

I wrote SO much as a kid, teen and young adult. It was my way, the thing I knew how to do. The way I released. But then typing came. Computers? Cool.  Cell phones?! WAIT UP? And things you can hold in your hand and text on?? Digital notes?! WHOOOOAAAAA!

Yeah, Whoa there stallion. That’s when I stopped. Instead of journaling, writing my feelings, I started scrolling. Pictures are pretty. Learning about others in teeny bite size posts was like total ADD for the social world and it was fun, mindless.

But I woke up a few years ago realizing I lost it. I’d lost my mind. I’d lost the use of creativity. (Except for that very brief year or so when I had “blogspot” and wrote about having babies. Well, really just baby #1…cause after that, babies only get the leftovers….that counts, right?)

I woke up. And I had not written in free-flowing form in YEARS. I began trying.  I did the gratitude journal thing, the Five Minute journal thing, then I even started a blog…and did not complete a full post in the first full year of paying for some host site.

But now. If I don’t get these thoughts out…then no one hears them…even me. So if it’s just for me. Cool! I’m good with that. If it’s for me and a few friends, totally cool with that too. Me and a few million friends…then holy hell!

I’ve been so busy “hustling” and “Mom-ing” and “wife-ing” that I forgot to keep dreaming and inspiring myself to make life more. I was made for more and I know it to be true…for me AND for you.

So here. Here it goes. Me, you. Or just me. But either way…I’m getting this stuff out. Maybe it helps one person, maybe someone finds it funny or entertaining, or inspiring or just plain whack. I’m in.

Confidence, personal development

Taking Chances Can Change You

smithmandyjordan

So, here it goes. Post #3.

That means I’m really doing this?! if I made it past post #2?? LOL. Patting myself on the back for making it here…becuase after the idea festered for over a year, and then writing post 1…I had NO IDEA how to logically and gracefully let this progress the way I dreamed up in my head. I had a goal. but no plan. And I’m going to leave it that way for now. This is the ONE time in life, I’m NOT going to live by the fact that when you set goals, you need to then have a plan. NOW, this may not be the way other bloggers or educators or influencers would tell you to do it, but it’s how I am. Because if I didn’t JUST START…then I never would have made it to blog post #3. I would have “planned” for the rest of my days. BUT – I want to make note of something here – something I once heard Gary V. state…(paraphrased) “Life is long.” I don’t want to talk about this flippantly here because I know that most of us know someone who’s life was WAY too short. But if you’re reading this…then Life is too long to NOT do what you dream of doing. Too long to spend life planning and not doing. Too long to talk about it. Too long to hope for it. To LONG to waste just dreaming.

So why do we do this? Why do we sit around hoping and dreaming about how we life to be “when we grow up,” or when we “get that great paying job,” etc. Why do we say we’ll start that new side gig, a blog, a YouTube channel, or your own company when the timing is right? Give me ONE good argument how you know that time will come? Then give me one good argument about how everything is guaranteed to be different then.

You can’t.

I put off blogging for over 2 years, and am still putting off the vlogging thing.  WHY?

Laziness?

Fear?

Most likely the latter, right? 

Fear holds us back from SO many things in life…and I’ve literally spent the last 20 yrs of my life working to overcome fears. 

1st fear: being shy.  

2nd fear: being seen and being flawed – I’m your atypical?? perfectionist. In my head and in turn, my anxieties, I want and have NEEDED to be perfect most of my life, but in my actions…I’m a procrastinator, have been lazy in cleaning, lazy in lots of things actually, 

So…here we are.

Take the first step.

Do the thing.

Do it now.

Figure it out as you go.